I’m starting a support group for my exes. It will have cookies, coffee, and a 12-Step Let it GOOOOOOOO pamphlet.

 S once a month: I should have realized a long time ago how amazing you were, I should have left my wife for you, we’d be happy. Me: uh no. Here’s why: Affairs almost never lead to happy, fulfilling relationships.

 J once or twice a year on fb: “come visit me in Florida, I’ll make you scream in pleasure” or some other offensive sexual reference- Blocked after insane girlfriend hacked his fb and messaged ME cussing me out like I came on to him.

 G: we are the oldest of friends but because you dumped me back in 2007 for cheating on you with your sister and I’ve never let go of the memories, I can’t be happy for you because you’re happy.

C: “if your bf doesn’t propose soon come marry me and I’ll take care of you and I’ll pay for you to come visit.” Then after the proposal it was “lets be friends and I’ll come visit you and we can hang out. A wouldn’t have a problem with that, would he? Invite me to the wedding!” I’m pretty sure his idea of hanging out would include chloroform, a van with no windows, ropes, and duct tape.  When I blocked him from phone, he emailed me. So, I ignored and filtered his messages, THEN he contacted me on LinkedIn. There’s been multiple blockages of phone numbers since, until right after the wedding when he asked about the wedding details and I told him it was in Nashville, and yes it was wonderful. kthanksbye.

 T: m getting married in x months, and it’s crazy how I’ll only be sleeping with one person the rest of my life! Unless you decided to stop being a good girl. You’re my Kryptonite. I’d ONLY have an affair with you” My eyes almost rolled out of my head. But he WAS pretty amazing in the bedroom gymnastics..hmm….

A part of me does enjoy the attention. I won’t lie. I am human, with an ego, and an entire book of Daddy Issues. I actually seriously considered that last one for some stupid messed up reason, but decided the pain it would cause would not be worth it. A really good friend suggested that I write out steamy scenarios to get them out of my head and then I might not fuck up my entire life plan. He’s kinda smart sometimes.

This past weekend I was scrolling through facebook when I came upon one of those paragraph meme things. As I read it, it was like an echo of all the doubts and fears I’ve been having for the past couple of months in my relationship. I can’t explain them. They have no justification. They’re just there, in the back of my brain, whispering insidiously. I happened to notice that he doesn’t do the little sweet things anymore, like drawing a random heart on a piece of paper for me to find when I come in the door after a rough day. Suddenly I’m inwardly freaking out about he’s falling out of love with me.  I am fully aware this worry is ridiculous. I know couples get comfortable. I KNOW he loves me. I don’t like to write, or say, or even THINK it, but I know my anxiety is to blame.

I’m not one of those people who feed into the whole “mental illness is cool” thing. It seems everyone is out there on all the social media platforms with “ALL MY ACTIONS AND FEELINGS ARE BECAUSE  I HAVE THIS MENTAL DISORDER AND THEREFORE I AM NOT TO BLAME”. I know there needs to be more of an awareness of mental illness.and not so much of a stigma, but it’s not a fad. It’s not FUN. It’s not something that everyone really has. Just because you worry one day, one month, doesn’t mean you suddenly self-diagnose with an anxiety disorder.

That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about a CONSTANT, PERVASIVE worry. Something that explains why I picture 20 different alternate endings to a scenario and ALL of them are miserable. A complete rationalization on my reasoning for preparing for the worst case every day, all day. I have wet wipes and paper towels and napkins and ibuprofen and tweezers and all the things someone would need for tiny things that can go wrong ALL in my car. Who carries tweezers in their car?

An explanation for checking weather, venue website, and extensive google searching just to make sure whatever event was planned conforms to all the rules and satisfaction of everyone attending. He wants to grill at the park? I’m on the website making sure you’re allowed without calling first, do they have grills, where are they located, etc etc. Meanwhile he rolls his eyes and wants to wing it. My biggest worry is they kick us all out and it’s mortifying. He says “so? not that big a deal?”

I was diagnosed at the age of 15 with chronic recurring depression and severe anxiety. Me, being me, hated the way the pills made me feel, and stopped taking them. I found alternative ways of coping. Deep breaths, telling myself I’m fine, exercise, etc. Sometimes even just crying it out or asking for a hug works too. And ice cream.

I figured it was just a teenage thing. That’s what my grandparents kept telling me. I’d grow out of it. I learned if I ignored it and just kept pretending everything was fine, it would be fine. Stay busy. Fake it to make it, right? And it works most of the time until big stressors in my life bring it out, like wedding planning and house hunting. Sometimes it’s just really hard and I get the urge to just pack up and run. Wherever you go, there you are, though. All my issues would just come with me and manifest in different forms. I just have to keep reminding myself that my brain is playing tricks and ask him to draw me a damn heart on a piece of paper for me to find once in a while.

 

 

I’m really just writing this because I haven’t written in a couple weeks and I told myself I’d write more often. So this post will suck and probably shouldn’t be read by anyone.

So, I’m sick:

I’m going on the second week with this chest cold. It’s not fun. I’m using enough hand sanitizer to down a horse and sucking down dayquil and nyquil like it’s air. I am praying I haven’t gotten the baby sick. I keep using nasal saline solution and the bulb aspirator to suck what I can out of her nose to avoid ear infection. Then applying vicks under her nose to clear out sinuses. So far it seems to be working. Halls Honey Lemon cough drops are also my bffs.

The Nanny Gig:

The baby is easy, and she’s on a schedule. She’s learned to roll everywhere she wants to go now, but she’s not quite crawling. She laughs and smiles a TON and it’s so adorable.

The 4 yr old is just as whiny and stubborn as ever. I don’t indulge it. I just tell him he either does what I say or he gets none of what he wants. I do not negotiate. Now that the weather is getting warmer, he does want to be outside more, which is fine with me. The issue is, on nice days, he’s outside at school when I pick him up, and he doesn’t want to leave school. I totally get it. I’d rather be at school playing with friends than come home and play with an adult and a baby. He still doesn’t need to be throwing fits though. Sometimes he can be really cooperative. It’s usually when his parents aren’t here. Not surprising. I think that’s pretty normal for toddlers, though.

On the Subject of Ingress Addicted Fiance:

In other news, my fiance is toying with the idea of stopping playing Ingress. Now that he’s playing less, I’m fine with it. He doesn’t need to quit. I guess among his faction in Nashville, he’s friends with everyone, but they have their little cliques with drama between them..and he’s just annoyed with that whole situation. He will do what he’s gonna do. Who knows. I just hope he continues with this “moderate approach” to this game and doesn’t go back to obsession.

Couch Potato Madness:

Since I’ve been sick, I haven’t worked out at all. I’m not sorry. I cough so much, I can’t sleep. I’m not going to punish my body further.

Wedding Planning:

My mom came to Nashville this past weekend and checked out the reception venue and bridge where we are having our ceremony. She’s super excited. The rest of the wedding planning is coming together. Trying to figure out where to reserve blocks of rooms since 50% of our guests are out-of-owners.I may pass that off to MOH or something.  Also wondering if I should send invites to grandparents who I KNOW won’t be able to come.Maybe as keepsakes. I feel like all the notes I need to include in these invites will make it so that I need 4 stamps per envelope. I don’t want to say no kids, but my venue is NOT kid friendly, nor is the fact that it’s an evening wedding, and I need to let the guests know that. Sigh. So much to consider. That’s all for now.

The End. 

Nobody can make you feel worse than a 4 yr old who is tired and cranky and doesn’t want to give you a hug when you’re leaving. High school bullies ain’t got NOTHIN’ on that. It’s like…you hugged me yesterday, and we played monster truck jam for an hour today, and now all of a sudden you hate me? You begin to question everything you said and did. Were you mean, somehow, and didn’t know it? You know you can be a little more matter of fact than lovey-dovey like his parents. Maybe you’re too harsh.

It’s like an existential crisis. You ask all the mom friends you have. They tell you toddlers can just be difficult. Especially ones that have been only children for 4 years before a sibling came along. They tell you not to take it personally. You start googling “ways to make a toddler like you” and you contemplate hitting up the nearest toys r us for bribes.

You know you’re being crazy but you can’t help it. This kid HAS to like you. You didn’t pretend to let him “win” at “monster truck jam” as he changed the “rules” so much you couldn’t do anything right and crawl around on popping knees pushing a tiny toy car for hours for nothing. ALSO an adult problem: You can’t afford for him to tell his parents you’re mean. If they fired you, you’d be screwed. Student loans kick your ass every month.

The baby loves you though. And you’ve single-handedly gotten her horrible exczema rash in the creases of her neck and behind her knees to go away instead of getting worse by very attentively keeping her clean and the medicated oil the doctor prescribed on her twice a day exactly.

You’re doing a good job, you know it.

But the kid wouldn’t hug you last night and now you’re stressing.

This is the anxiety of a nanny.

The kids and I have a routine down now.

The baby goes down for her nap at approximately the same times every day, which leaves me time to do body-weight exercises so I don’t gain a large amount of weight over the winter. I bought my wedding dress to fit exactly at the shape I’m in now, without any room to gain.

When she wakes up by 11:40, she gets her runny cereal and 1 spoon of fruit mix. Her parents want her eating puree and oatmeal from a spoon by 6 months, instead of starting at 6 months. Since the mother’s entire family is wildly successful, I’m going to go ahead and assume the “helping developmental milestones along” thing works. Maybe I’ll try it when I have my own children. The baby is doing pretty well with the spoon. It helps to kind of pour it in her mouth so she swallows.

When I pick the 4 year old up from school, he nibbles his snack and then wants to go to the playroom. He’s pretty much given up on asking for TV. It’s always the same answer “mom says the TV is closed on school nights”. He’s gotten so he quotes it back to me and doesn’t argue. It’s really hard to play with him, as in like running across the playroom back and forth, when the baby is fussy as she usually gets by 4:30, and I feel bad. I know they hired me mostly for the baby, but the toddler is so sweet and I know it’s gotta be hard after 4 years as an only child. I feel for him. He often asks “why cant you just lay her down or put her in bed” and I’m like, “well..because she will be screaming and nobody will enjoy playtime at that point” He doesn’t quite understand, yet.

I try to delay another bottle til the mom gets home because I know she wants to nurse her. She doesn’t want to stop breastfeeding until 6 months, which I am also taking into consideration for when I have children. I’m learning so much from nannying. The only issue with breastfeeding is the pumping and the fact that the baby doesn’t stay full as long as they do on formula. It really is worth it to try, but I can’t say that I blame the moms who switch to formula just to get a full night’s sleep. Lack of sleep makes me cranky.

It all depends on the person, I guess, and I can’t stand the judgmental people who offer up their unwanted opinions on how a mother should raise their child. You do what works for you and keeps everyone happy and healthy. Social media makes it so everyone feels like their opinion wants to be heard and received.

No.

Opinions are like assholes, everyone’s got one…and most of the time nobody wants to see or hear it. Trust me.

 

I’ve been wrangling babies for a while. Like…for a very long time. I’m still not a mother myself, but I’ve learned that your two best friends are warm/almost hot baths and this miracle liquid called Gripe Water. Obviously warm baths are self explanatory. Everyone loves them if they have a large enough tub. I say this because I haven’t taken a bath in years because the irritation of choosing between having half my legs sticking out or my upper torso to freeze is just not worth it. I’ll stick to showers, thanks. The babes LOVE them, though.

I just went through an hour of fussy baby. I tried changing diaper, formula to supplement breastmilk, burping…NOTHING was working. She refused to calm down. She was arching, so I figured she was gassy and started patting her back. With each pat, the decibels increased to ear piercing levels. I remembered I had seen Gripe Water in the refrigerator a few days before in my search for a snack for the toddler. It was cold, but hell, it would probably still help. So I got the syringe and popped it in her mouth. She hushed long enough to taste while I started slowly pressing the plunger. Gotta give her one drop at a time or she spits stuff out. She loved it. But then she started crying again. The last screaming- fit- combat -weapon I have in my arsenal is a warm bath. I knew she was tired but I had tried to lay her down and instead of one or two hollers, she screeched loud enough to wake the dead, so that wasn’t going to work. I ran the bath. As soon as I put her in she started smiling. SUCCESS. I poured water over her for 15 minutes while she got good and happy and then applied the soap. Have you ever heard a 4 month old giggle? It is too freaking adorable.

Finally she was in a good enough mood to get her out and put the medicated oil on these rashes she has in the creases of her neck, legs and one of her armpits. Poor kid. They don’t seem to bug her but they bug the adults who see them. They LOOK painful and bright red. Two applications of the prescription-grade  exczema oil a day helps a tiny bit but it’s not an overnight cure. My opinion is that it’ll work itself out as she gets older and can hold her head up more, etc, and to just keep her comfortable and clean and keep the rashes dry and stuff. Her mom is more of a take-the-kid-to-the-doctor-every-week -and- ask- why- it’s- not- going- away- yet- type. She’s the parent. *shrug*.

Anyway, I made her a 2 oz bottle of formula and laid her in the bed after her bath. She barely managed to suck down an ounce before she passed out. So I guess, if anyone is having trouble with a fussy over-tired babe who refuses to go down for a nap, the bath and gripe water combo is your answer. She’s been sleeping soundly for 40 mins now. I’m praying this is her long nap of the day and that she wakes up happy like she normally does. 🙂

I think it’s officially been almost 7 months since I’ve seen my niece Jade. You know…the one I practically raised from Ages 1-6? Yeah, that one. The last time I saw her was a birthday party for my other sister’s kids back in June, I think. If I think on it too much, I cry. All the time. So I’ve had to shut my thoughts down, and last night I realized I’ve put up a lot of walls in my heart and in my head to keep myself from being an emotional wreck. Anytime someone asks about her, I have to say “Dani (my sister) doesn’t let me see her, and when I visit my mom’s randomly (where Dani is living til she moves again this weekend), it’s usually a weekend  and her father and stepmother have her, so I just don’t even know if she remembers me. But I can’t talk about that too much or I start getting emotional.” and they say “aww! I’m sorry. well how’s work?”

It’s just hard, when they aren’t actually your child, and of course you can’t control how their parents live. Jade is switching schools for the 7th time since she started pre-k. How is she going to be able to form bonds with children her own age? Will she end up with an attachment disorder? How upset is she going to be when she can’t go on the field trip she asked my mom about because she’s moving again. Does she know she’s moving again? Why is Dani moving where she doesn’t know anyone? There’s no family close by, so there has to be a guy she met online…or her 1 year old son’s loser father is moving with her somehow. He’s mentally unstable, so is he going to abuse Jade if she gets whiny? What about the baby? If Dani IS somehow moving alone, nothing will be kept clean..Jaxx will be stuck in his crib alone in his room while Dani sits at the computer doing her call center job.  As I was telling my fiance about Dani moving again, I started thinking about these things and I couldn’t stop the anxiety and sadness from flooding in.  I did what I normally do and redirect my thoughts toward puppies and kittens and cute things so I could fall asleep.

My family breaks my heart more than any man ever has. I’ve built myself mental and emotional walls to cope. I’m hoping those walls stay strong, because they are holding back an apocalyptic size wave of hopeless, helpless grief in the loss of the relationship I had with my niece. And while my charge naps peacefully after a car ride, I might let myself have a tiny cry just to relieve the pressure a little bit. This nanny gig isn’t to replace one baby that isn’t mine with another, but it does make me miss my niece a little bit more.

 

And it’s just really hard.

The baby is napping so Im rushed with this one. I’ll correct any grammar later.

 

Two days into my nanny gig and everything is going great. No issues with the baby, and no difficulty picking up the toddler from school. Usually at least one of the parents is home by 4, so I’m not alone the last hour of my day. The 4 year old is very independent they tell me, and he does a lot of things like getting dressed, going to the bathroom and everything on his own.

Last night I noticed him getting upset when I had to split my attention between the baby and playing with him. And then we had to come downstairs to eat the snack his father prepared for us..Samosas (which were delicious) and he wanted milk and not water. His father asked him to drink a little of the water first and then he could have some milk, and the tantrum began. I’m talking like…super sonic screeching. after a brief timeout and a talking to, dad gave in and gave him some milk. He’s a lucky kid. My grandma would have had the backhand ready and waiting on that second screech. She’d have been standing over me like “do that again. I DARE you”. WHEW.

The second tantrum was over not wanting to go to the bathroom when his mom asked him to. More screeching. I let the parents handle him and got ready to leave. As I got in my car, my headache hit full force. I was seeing double, so I closed my eyes and sat in silence for a second. It was rough. But still, kids are better than office work. I notice my fitbit is DEFINITELY recording more steps.

This morning when I got to their house, the toddler was being uncooperative again about getting ready for school. At one point, his mother was asking him to brush his teeth so I stepped in and offered to go with him. Turns out, he wanted me to do it for him. Then it hit me. With the new baby, he doesn’t get BABIED anymore. I know he’s a super independent kid, but he’s also only 4, and he knows I’m with the baby all day, and I think he’s a little jealous. So I brushed his teeth for him, and all of a sudden he was in a MUCH better mood. Got his shoes on, grabbed his stuff, and they went out the door. I am going to try to make sure the baby is good and content so I can play w him one on one today and see if that makes him a little more cooperative tonight.

Day 3 might just be the day we settle into a normal routine 🙂

 

 

 

I try so hard to like the Holidays. I really do. I decorate my tree, my best friend’s family tree, and my desk. I SAY I’m in the spirit. I listen to Christmas music and sing along, horribly off-key. Then Christmas day rolls around and I get that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. I dutifully call all my grandparents and awkwardly, haltingly talk to them until we both hang up with sighs of relief. I head to my mom’s and deal with the tension in her house. When the day is done, I’m disappointed and relieved all at the same time. As the oldest child of four, I hope every year that the holidays will be as I envision them. They never are.

I scroll through my news feed and I see all these happy family photos. Big groups of people coming together; presents all over. I think of my stepdad holed up in the dark bedroom laying there alone, because he doesn’t want to come out and deal with my middle sister. Our hushed voices so we don’t annoy him. Sitting down to dinner and eating, and then watching a movie…not too high on the volume, and 1/3 of us falling asleep. Nobody talking and laughing. No “remember when”s.  No laughing children anywhere around happy to see their aunt. The one tiny child present doesn’t remember me. He cries when I pick him up. My youngest sister blaming me as the reason for not coming, because I’m too bossy, and showing my mom the texts and wondering what it was, exactly, that I said. Nobody present understands.

I am painfully aware of the dangers of comparing your situation to the highlights of someone else’s life on Facebook. That all isn’t as it seems in most of the posts from your friends. In the smiling pictures. But sometimes it’s just really hard. And I wonder, why can’t we fake it to make it like these people? We don’t even TRY.

So the night after Christmas,

When all through the house,

Not a creature is stirring,

I lay my head down and let myself ugly-cry into the pillow until I can’t cry anymore and I have a headache. Then I take some Advil PM, blow my nose and carry on.

I’ve decided to quit my desk job with benefits and salary and paid time off to be a full time nanny for 8 months. I will be breaking even on income, and losing on holiday and paid time off, but happiness is worth more than money to me. My friends and co workers think I’m insane. I’d say maybe 1% of my friends are supportive. The rest are worried about me having insurance. If this is the year I suddenly get cancer it’s because a tumor formed while I was stressing about planning my wedding. Just so everyone knows. But seriously, I hope nothing big happens health-wise.

 

I checked Obamacare marketplace and it’s actually cheaper for me to pay penalty than to pay for insurance monthly that I never use. Literally. I never go to doctor. I have my yearly lady-parts examination, but I’ve only had one partner for 2 years and I have the IUD, so really, I think I can skip one year. It’ll be okay, I’m sure of it. Consider this my one moment of optimism in my usually pessimistic outlook.

 

I am pretty excited about this change. I have all these plans that I may or may not get to. Such as : Do yoga when the baby naps. Stay on my feet and get 15,000 steps recorded on my fitbit in a day instead of failing to make 10,000 like I do currently with my desk job. Continue to bike 4  miles daily.

This is good. I’m going to have panicky moments in the next two weeks where I have a mini-existential crisis and question all my decision making capabilities ever, but I think it’s going to be a good thing for me. A positive thing. I am going to be the best nanny these kids have ever seen!