I’m starting a support group for my exes. It will have cookies, coffee, and a 12-Step Let it GOOOOOOOO pamphlet.

 S once a month: I should have realized a long time ago how amazing you were, I should have left my wife for you, we’d be happy. Me: uh no. Here’s why: Affairs almost never lead to happy, fulfilling relationships.

 J once or twice a year on fb: “come visit me in Florida, I’ll make you scream in pleasure” or some other offensive sexual reference- Blocked after insane girlfriend hacked his fb and messaged ME cussing me out like I came on to him.

 G: we are the oldest of friends but because you dumped me back in 2007 for cheating on you with your sister and I’ve never let go of the memories, I can’t be happy for you because you’re happy.

C: “if your bf doesn’t propose soon come marry me and I’ll take care of you and I’ll pay for you to come visit.” Then after the proposal it was “lets be friends and I’ll come visit you and we can hang out. A wouldn’t have a problem with that, would he? Invite me to the wedding!” I’m pretty sure his idea of hanging out would include chloroform, a van with no windows, ropes, and duct tape.  When I blocked him from phone, he emailed me. So, I ignored and filtered his messages, THEN he contacted me on LinkedIn. There’s been multiple blockages of phone numbers since, until right after the wedding when he asked about the wedding details and I told him it was in Nashville, and yes it was wonderful. kthanksbye.

 T: m getting married in x months, and it’s crazy how I’ll only be sleeping with one person the rest of my life! Unless you decided to stop being a good girl. You’re my Kryptonite. I’d ONLY have an affair with you” My eyes almost rolled out of my head. But he WAS pretty amazing in the bedroom gymnastics..hmm….

disney-frozen-elsa-the-past-is-in-the-past-o

A part of me does enjoy the attention. I won’t lie. I am human, with an ego, and an entire book of Daddy Issues. I actually seriously considered that last one for some stupid messed up reason, but decided the pain it would cause would not be worth it. A really good friend suggested that I write out steamy scenarios to get them out of my head and then I might not fuck up my entire life plan. He’s kinda smart sometimes.

This past weekend I was scrolling through facebook when I came upon one of those paragraph meme things. As I read it, it was like an echo of all the doubts and fears I’ve been having for the past couple of months in my relationship. I can’t explain them. They have no justification. They’re just there, in the back of my brain, whispering insidiously. I happened to notice that he doesn’t do the little sweet things anymore, like drawing a random heart on a piece of paper for me to find when I come in the door after a rough day. Suddenly I’m inwardly freaking out about he’s falling out of love with me.  I am fully aware this worry is ridiculous. I know couples get comfortable. I KNOW he loves me. I don’t like to write, or say, or even THINK it, but I know my anxiety is to blame.

I’m not one of those people who feed into the whole “mental illness is cool” thing. It seems everyone is out there on all the social media platforms with “ALL MY ACTIONS AND FEELINGS ARE BECAUSE  I HAVE THIS MENTAL DISORDER AND THEREFORE I AM NOT TO BLAME”. I know there needs to be more of an awareness of mental illness.and not so much of a stigma, but it’s not a fad. It’s not FUN. It’s not something that everyone really has. Just because you worry one day, one month, doesn’t mean you suddenly self-diagnose with an anxiety disorder.

That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about a CONSTANT, PERVASIVE worry. Something that explains why I picture 20 different alternate endings to a scenario and ALL of them are miserable. A complete rationalization on my reasoning for preparing for the worst case every day, all day. I have wet wipes and paper towels and napkins and ibuprofen and tweezers and all the things someone would need for tiny things that can go wrong ALL in my car. Who carries tweezers in their car?

An explanation for checking weather, venue website, and extensive google searching just to make sure whatever event was planned conforms to all the rules and satisfaction of everyone attending. He wants to grill at the park? I’m on the website making sure you’re allowed without calling first, do they have grills, where are they located, etc etc. Meanwhile he rolls his eyes and wants to wing it. My biggest worry is they kick us all out and it’s mortifying. He says “so? not that big a deal?”

I was diagnosed at the age of 15 with chronic recurring depression and severe anxiety. Me, being me, hated the way the pills made me feel, and stopped taking them. I found alternative ways of coping. Deep breaths, telling myself I’m fine, exercise, etc. Sometimes even just crying it out or asking for a hug works too. And ice cream.

I figured it was just a teenage thing. That’s what my grandparents kept telling me. I’d grow out of it. I learned if I ignored it and just kept pretending everything was fine, it would be fine. Stay busy. Fake it to make it, right? And it works most of the time until big stressors in my life bring it out, like wedding planning and house hunting. Sometimes it’s just really hard and I get the urge to just pack up and run. Wherever you go, there you are, though. All my issues would just come with me and manifest in different forms. I just have to keep reminding myself that my brain is playing tricks and ask him to draw me a damn heart on a piece of paper for me to find once in a while.

 

 

I’m really just writing this because I haven’t written in a couple weeks and I told myself I’d write more often. So this post will suck and probably shouldn’t be read by anyone.

So, I’m sick:

I’m going on the second week with this chest cold. It’s not fun. I’m using enough hand sanitizer to down a horse and sucking down dayquil and nyquil like it’s air. I am praying I haven’t gotten the baby sick. I keep using nasal saline solution and the bulb aspirator to suck what I can out of her nose to avoid ear infection. Then applying vicks under her nose to clear out sinuses. So far it seems to be working. Halls Honey Lemon cough drops are also my bffs.

The Nanny Gig:

The baby is easy, and she’s on a schedule. She’s learned to roll everywhere she wants to go now, but she’s not quite crawling. She laughs and smiles a TON and it’s so adorable.

The 4 yr old is just as whiny and stubborn as ever. I don’t indulge it. I just tell him he either does what I say or he gets none of what he wants. I do not negotiate. Now that the weather is getting warmer, he does want to be outside more, which is fine with me. The issue is, on nice days, he’s outside at school when I pick him up, and he doesn’t want to leave school. I totally get it. I’d rather be at school playing with friends than come home and play with an adult and a baby. He still doesn’t need to be throwing fits though. Sometimes he can be really cooperative. It’s usually when his parents aren’t here. Not surprising. I think that’s pretty normal for toddlers, though.

On the Subject of Ingress Addicted Fiance:

In other news, my fiance is toying with the idea of stopping playing Ingress. Now that he’s playing less, I’m fine with it. He doesn’t need to quit. I guess among his faction in Nashville, he’s friends with everyone, but they have their little cliques with drama between them..and he’s just annoyed with that whole situation. He will do what he’s gonna do. Who knows. I just hope he continues with this “moderate approach” to this game and doesn’t go back to obsession.

Couch Potato Madness:

Since I’ve been sick, I haven’t worked out at all. I’m not sorry. I cough so much, I can’t sleep. I’m not going to punish my body further.

Wedding Planning:

My mom came to Nashville this past weekend and checked out the reception venue and bridge where we are having our ceremony. She’s super excited. The rest of the wedding planning is coming together. Trying to figure out where to reserve blocks of rooms since 50% of our guests are out-of-owners.I may pass that off to MOH or something.  Also wondering if I should send invites to grandparents who I KNOW won’t be able to come.Maybe as keepsakes. I feel like all the notes I need to include in these invites will make it so that I need 4 stamps per envelope. I don’t want to say no kids, but my venue is NOT kid friendly, nor is the fact that it’s an evening wedding, and I need to let the guests know that. Sigh. So much to consider. That’s all for now.

The End. 

Tuesday there was more snow. Maybe an inch or two, not very much, but Nashville, you’re killing me. Snow means the 4 year old is out of school and I have both kids….all day. The baby is fine…but the 4 year old cannot entertain himself without TV and his mother says no TV during the week. AND his dad was working from home. Basically, the kid was not listening to ANYTHING and he didn’t nap because his dad has to be on the fucking phone in the next room, NOT talking about work. Like seriously bro??? Men are clueless.

The entire day, all he did was argue with me, throw fits, and follow me around whining “I want a peter rabbiiiit. Please please please please” ad nauseam.We played outside for an hour in the morning before we got too cold and had to come in. Then he ate his lunch and laid down, but dad was on the phone in the next room, so sleep wasn’t going to happen. I was losing my damn mind. Being able to turn on some damn cartoons would have been nice for a moment of peace. Never doubt the power of the electronic babysitter.

It was just a terrible day. Baby was great though. I’ve banned the 4 yr old from her room when I’m trying to get her to nap. That night when his mom got home at 6, I said my goodbyes and went to have some wine. Definitely drank that day away.

I’m blaming the Montessori school curriculum. In theory, letting a child be ready for learning and development sounds great. The problem is, there is no discipline or any real structure other than “between this time and this time, we do this”. The kid decides what he’s going to do. There is no discipline. They “encourage self-discipline through teaching method and environment” If “the teacher’s role is passive and designed to guide individual learning when asked and when child is ready”, please tell me when the child is READY to listen to what the hell you have to say? WHAT FOUR YEAR OLD IS GOING TO DISCIPLINE HIMSELF??? These people are insane. This new age bullshit has got to go. If any adult said jump when I was a kid, your only response was either jumping or if you were going to ask anything, it better be “how high?” There was no “what do you want to do? What will you DECIDE? You can CHOOSE.”

Maybe I’m too old fashioned. I do respect the way individual people raise their kids and I won’t TELL them to do anything different. I just don’t have to agree. Whatever they’re comfortable with. I’ll just write my opinion here.

The next morning, he was in a great mood, but school was delayed. He started with the fit when I asked him to get dressed and brush his teeth at 9:20. He says “no” as he always does to everything, so I responded with “I am done with you not listening.” and picked him up and carried him into his bathroom. He proceeded to hit the floor, as usual, so I set him on his bed and told him he couldn’t come out of his room until his teeth were brushed and he was dressed. 10 minutes later, I’ve got a dressed kid with minty fresh breath. I am not going to repeat myself 50 times asking him to do something he knows he has to do every single day. It’s not happening. I will put him in time out every single time. That is how this will work. He is 4 years old and perfectly articulate. He’s old enough to accept consequences for not listening.

When I took the baby downstairs to eat before we left, I told him, “when I call for you, you come down here and get your shoes on. Do not make me come get you”. He was a perfect little angel. Came right down. It was a much better day. When he got home from school, I put the baby down for a nap, and we went outside and ran laps together because the school doesn’t let the kids outside if it’s below 35 degrees. I don’t understand. Growing up, grandma put us outside if it was 6 degrees. I send mittens, hat, coat, everything to make him warm, why the hell is he being cooped up all day? I will never understand that.

To end my long rant/complaint:

Tuesday is the only bad day I’ve had so far. I’ve done exercise videos on all the other days of this week and lost 1 pound. I know it’s just water weight, but hey, I’ll take it. I’ve also mastered the art of making baby food out of produce. The baby loves my puree sweet potatoes and puree roasted butternut squash with cinnamon.

If nothing else, I’m in training to be an awesome mother. I just won’t be sending my child to Montessori Centers, because I don’t think a toddler needs to have that many choices. Putting the responsibility of choosing to do the right thing on a kid so young he  can’t even handle his own emotions is a little much.

The end.

I read an article on Facebook about how moms get the worst of their kids’ behavior because the kid views mom as a “safe place” where they can have an emotional breakdown and just let it all out. It’s believable. Mom fixes all things, and if she can’t “fix” it necessarily, she still loves you after you throw an Armageddon-sized tantrum. I, as ‘not the mama’, will not.

The mom tells me today that the 4 year old has increased the number of times he reacts aggressively. Repeatedly striking her when she won’t give him what he wants, and goes on to say “he was so tired”. I don’t care how tired you are, you do not hit people to get your way. He’s only thrown a toy at me one time and hit me in the neck with it when I wasn’t paying attention to him. He learned how serious I could be that day. I have quite the scary “mom-voice” when I get stern. It comes from dealing with stallions and other large, stubborn animals growing up. He hasn’t hit me again, yet. I didn’t bother with the “it hurts my feelings when you hit me” thing that they do. Appealing to his emotional side is apparently not working for them. I simply said “Don’t you EVER do that again. You hear me? Don’t EVER.” And he hasn’t done it since. But I am also not the mother. I am not his “safe” place. Maybe my stern mom-voice has nothing to do with it.

The baby is a dream as long as she’s not constipated. Shit, I can identify that. I’m not really all that fun when I am constipated either. We’ve discovered that the Iron fortified rice cereal was the issue. Mom tells me she’s been sleeping through the night for 2 weeks now. We have found the winning combo. Baby food with no cereal mixed in at noon-ish and 4:30pm and a bottle the rest of the time she gets hungry seems to work. I’ve learned she likes to play with her food. Blowing bubbles on the spoon so the food sprays everywhere. Have you ever cleaned carrots out of a baby’s nose? It’s quite amusing. I have to wait til she’s smiling big enough/ screeching like a pterodactyl to get the spoon far enough in her mouth so the food is toward the back half of her tongue. Then she can’t spray it at me. She always looks like I tricked her when I do that. It’s pretty hilarious.

I must say this has been the most fulfilling job I’ve ever had. Every day is different. There isn’t any monotony, and I enjoy coming to work every day. I will be so sad when this job ends in August. I’ll miss these kids. As stubborn and bossy as the 4 yr old can be, he is also the sweetest little boy sometimes. Who am I to talk about bossy anyway? There’s a video out there of me at age 6 ordering my sisters and little cousin around while playing with a tea set I had gotten for Christmas. It comes with being the oldest child.

I also know how lucky I am to have met this family through one of my best friends. The mom offered to pay for my wedding hair and makeup as a wedding gift this morning. I almost cried. A couple weeks ago, they surprised me with cupcakes and a card for my birthday. I’m afraid if I do nanny for another family, that they will be like the horror stories you hear: treating nannies like servants instead of part of the family. I know I shouldn’t even worry about it now, but that’s what I do. I play “what if”, constantly.

I am doing well with my goal of exercising while the baby is napping. The mother gave me permission to use her Jillian Michaels 30 day shred and weights to work out. Try doing the stairs after 20 mins with Jillian. She kicks your ass! I need to move to the Level 2-40 min workout, but I don’t think I’m ready yet. I’ll give it an entire week before I try it on for size. I have to be ready for that pain and I’m just not. Carrying a 15lb baby up un-carpeted stairs requires my legs to NOT give out.

My name is Ashley, and I’m the soon to be wife of an Ingress addict. Ingress is a GPS-based phone game. Like a cross between capture-the-flag and geocaching. The things I know he gets out of it:

  1. Many other players show him respect and admiration for the strategies and time and effort he puts in to help his side (blue-resistance) win more points at checkpoints throughout the day. So there’s his ego boost.
  2. He’s made friends in the gchats they use to plan out things.
  3. Gets him out of the house and active on his bike and walking

What I get out of it:

  1. A partner who “forgets” to do the things I specifically ask him to do because he’s so busy strategizing with alllllllllll the people in the gchat group hangout, all day, and he’s on call when a field 15 mins away just HAS to come down because it’s almost checkpoint.
  2. A dog who doesn’t get near the exercise she needs because he won’t take her on his bike rides because she will interrupt the mission he’s doing because she will want to stop, and to “make checkpoint” he doesn’t have time for that. I work too late into the day to take her on runs right now. It’s dark and our neighborhood isn’t the best.
  3. Sitting in my car for 2 hours while he drives around aimlessly, sometimes backtracking to “re-hack” portals or take them back from the other team (Green-enlightened) Which to me, is a colossal waste of gas and time and mileage on MY car.
  4. A partner who, when we are out socializing or on a date night, stares at his phone the whole time chatting with these people, and if I say something, either me and the rest of the group are talking about girl stuff or something he’s not interested in, or “You’re texting your friends all the time, too”, or I “just don’t want him to have any friends”. I’m texting friends because he’s ignoring me, and I don’t see these people as his friends, I see them as time suckers. People who have helped and encouraged my man to be an irresponsible addict who never helps out around the house, forgets we need to grocery shop and half the time doesn’t come home til 8PM so I don’t get to spend any time with him.

I am fully ready to admit that yes, I am stupidly, immaturely thinking that this game is taking him away from me.  I feel like we never do things together anymore unless there’s a “portal” nearby. And if we do, he’s not really PRESENT. When I say that to him, he shoots back with “well you text your friends all the time” or “you marathon buffy the vampire slayer on a Saturday for 4 hours straight” Like that is even REMOTELY relevant. And my FRIENDS have been in my life for over a decade.

I don’t know. Maybe I am just a controlling bitch. Maybe I just don’t understand how much he enjoys it. My thoughts are, I’ve got shit to do. Laundry, grocery shopping, dishes, vacuuming…and I spend so much time being pissed off that he doesn’t help, that often I let it slide and just veg out with netflix, which makes me feel worse. It’s like a vicious cycle I’m doing to myself.

At the end of the argument, when I’ve given up trying to make him see how he’s just too obsessive, he throws down the ultimatum:

“Just don’t let it get to where I have to sneak around on you to play ingress”

I froze. After a couple heartbeats, I responded.

“Don’t you ever lie to me. You tell me ‘this is what I’m doing, and you’re being ridiculous’. But don’t you ever lie to me. I won’t forgive that”

All he said was “okay”

All I got from that entire argument last night was that he’s going to do what he wants, and I need to get over it and just act like it’s allllll okay. And if I don’t, he will leave me because I’ve become a nagging controlling bitch who doesn’t want him to have any friends.

All I want is moderation. Maybe an entire day of us, as a couple. I just want some help around the house. I don’t want to have to ask him to put money on the laundry card at the apartment office because they close at 4 and I’m not home yet, for him to just “forget” because he spent the entire day with the ingress intel map and gchats up on his laptop strategizing how to “put a big field up for the most points”.

I love him too much to fathom leaving him. I just hope this obsession blows over. I NEED this to blow over.

 

Nobody can make you feel worse than a 4 yr old who is tired and cranky and doesn’t want to give you a hug when you’re leaving. High school bullies ain’t got NOTHIN’ on that. It’s like…you hugged me yesterday, and we played monster truck jam for an hour today, and now all of a sudden you hate me? You begin to question everything you said and did. Were you mean, somehow, and didn’t know it? You know you can be a little more matter of fact than lovey-dovey like his parents. Maybe you’re too harsh.

It’s like an existential crisis. You ask all the mom friends you have. They tell you toddlers can just be difficult. Especially ones that have been only children for 4 years before a sibling came along. They tell you not to take it personally. You start googling “ways to make a toddler like you” and you contemplate hitting up the nearest toys r us for bribes.

You know you’re being crazy but you can’t help it. This kid HAS to like you. You didn’t pretend to let him “win” at “monster truck jam” as he changed the “rules” so much you couldn’t do anything right and crawl around on popping knees pushing a tiny toy car for hours for nothing. ALSO an adult problem: You can’t afford for him to tell his parents you’re mean. If they fired you, you’d be screwed. Student loans kick your ass every month.

The baby loves you though. And you’ve single-handedly gotten her horrible exczema rash in the creases of her neck and behind her knees to go away instead of getting worse by very attentively keeping her clean and the medicated oil the doctor prescribed on her twice a day exactly.

You’re doing a good job, you know it.

But the kid wouldn’t hug you last night and now you’re stressing.

This is the anxiety of a nanny.

The kids and I have a routine down now.

The baby goes down for her nap at approximately the same times every day, which leaves me time to do body-weight exercises so I don’t gain a large amount of weight over the winter. I bought my wedding dress to fit exactly at the shape I’m in now, without any room to gain.

When she wakes up by 11:40, she gets her runny cereal and 1 spoon of fruit mix. Her parents want her eating puree and oatmeal from a spoon by 6 months, instead of starting at 6 months. Since the mother’s entire family is wildly successful, I’m going to go ahead and assume the “helping developmental milestones along” thing works. Maybe I’ll try it when I have my own children. The baby is doing pretty well with the spoon. It helps to kind of pour it in her mouth so she swallows.

When I pick the 4 year old up from school, he nibbles his snack and then wants to go to the playroom. He’s pretty much given up on asking for TV. It’s always the same answer “mom says the TV is closed on school nights”. He’s gotten so he quotes it back to me and doesn’t argue. It’s really hard to play with him, as in like running across the playroom back and forth, when the baby is fussy as she usually gets by 4:30, and I feel bad. I know they hired me mostly for the baby, but the toddler is so sweet and I know it’s gotta be hard after 4 years as an only child. I feel for him. He often asks “why cant you just lay her down or put her in bed” and I’m like, “well..because she will be screaming and nobody will enjoy playtime at that point” He doesn’t quite understand, yet.

I try to delay another bottle til the mom gets home because I know she wants to nurse her. She doesn’t want to stop breastfeeding until 6 months, which I am also taking into consideration for when I have children. I’m learning so much from nannying. The only issue with breastfeeding is the pumping and the fact that the baby doesn’t stay full as long as they do on formula. It really is worth it to try, but I can’t say that I blame the moms who switch to formula just to get a full night’s sleep. Lack of sleep makes me cranky.

It all depends on the person, I guess, and I can’t stand the judgmental people who offer up their unwanted opinions on how a mother should raise their child. You do what works for you and keeps everyone happy and healthy. Social media makes it so everyone feels like their opinion wants to be heard and received.

No.

Opinions are like assholes, everyone’s got one…and most of the time nobody wants to see or hear it. Trust me.

 

I’ve been wrangling babies for a while. Like…for a very long time. I’m still not a mother myself, but I’ve learned that your two best friends are warm/almost hot baths and this miracle liquid called Gripe Water. Obviously warm baths are self explanatory. Everyone loves them if they have a large enough tub. I say this because I haven’t taken a bath in years because the irritation of choosing between having half my legs sticking out or my upper torso to freeze is just not worth it. I’ll stick to showers, thanks. The babes LOVE them, though.

I just went through an hour of fussy baby. I tried changing diaper, formula to supplement breastmilk, burping…NOTHING was working. She refused to calm down. She was arching, so I figured she was gassy and started patting her back. With each pat, the decibels increased to ear piercing levels. I remembered I had seen Gripe Water in the refrigerator a few days before in my search for a snack for the toddler. It was cold, but hell, it would probably still help. So I got the syringe and popped it in her mouth. She hushed long enough to taste while I started slowly pressing the plunger. Gotta give her one drop at a time or she spits stuff out. She loved it. But then she started crying again. The last screaming- fit- combat -weapon I have in my arsenal is a warm bath. I knew she was tired but I had tried to lay her down and instead of one or two hollers, she screeched loud enough to wake the dead, so that wasn’t going to work. I ran the bath. As soon as I put her in she started smiling. SUCCESS. I poured water over her for 15 minutes while she got good and happy and then applied the soap. Have you ever heard a 4 month old giggle? It is too freaking adorable.

Finally she was in a good enough mood to get her out and put the medicated oil on these rashes she has in the creases of her neck, legs and one of her armpits. Poor kid. They don’t seem to bug her but they bug the adults who see them. They LOOK painful and bright red. Two applications of the prescription-grade  exczema oil a day helps a tiny bit but it’s not an overnight cure. My opinion is that it’ll work itself out as she gets older and can hold her head up more, etc, and to just keep her comfortable and clean and keep the rashes dry and stuff. Her mom is more of a take-the-kid-to-the-doctor-every-week -and- ask- why- it’s- not- going- away- yet- type. She’s the parent. *shrug*.

Anyway, I made her a 2 oz bottle of formula and laid her in the bed after her bath. She barely managed to suck down an ounce before she passed out. So I guess, if anyone is having trouble with a fussy over-tired babe who refuses to go down for a nap, the bath and gripe water combo is your answer. She’s been sleeping soundly for 40 mins now. I’m praying this is her long nap of the day and that she wakes up happy like she normally does. 🙂

I think it’s officially been almost 7 months since I’ve seen my niece Jade. You know…the one I practically raised from Ages 1-6? Yeah, that one. The last time I saw her was a birthday party for my other sister’s kids back in June, I think. If I think on it too much, I cry. All the time. So I’ve had to shut my thoughts down, and last night I realized I’ve put up a lot of walls in my heart and in my head to keep myself from being an emotional wreck. Anytime someone asks about her, I have to say “Dani (my sister) doesn’t let me see her, and when I visit my mom’s randomly (where Dani is living til she moves again this weekend), it’s usually a weekend  and her father and stepmother have her, so I just don’t even know if she remembers me. But I can’t talk about that too much or I start getting emotional.” and they say “aww! I’m sorry. well how’s work?”

It’s just hard, when they aren’t actually your child, and of course you can’t control how their parents live. Jade is switching schools for the 7th time since she started pre-k. How is she going to be able to form bonds with children her own age? Will she end up with an attachment disorder? How upset is she going to be when she can’t go on the field trip she asked my mom about because she’s moving again. Does she know she’s moving again? Why is Dani moving where she doesn’t know anyone? There’s no family close by, so there has to be a guy she met online…or her 1 year old son’s loser father is moving with her somehow. He’s mentally unstable, so is he going to abuse Jade if she gets whiny? What about the baby? If Dani IS somehow moving alone, nothing will be kept clean..Jaxx will be stuck in his crib alone in his room while Dani sits at the computer doing her call center job.  As I was telling my fiance about Dani moving again, I started thinking about these things and I couldn’t stop the anxiety and sadness from flooding in.  I did what I normally do and redirect my thoughts toward puppies and kittens and cute things so I could fall asleep.

My family breaks my heart more than any man ever has. I’ve built myself mental and emotional walls to cope. I’m hoping those walls stay strong, because they are holding back an apocalyptic size wave of hopeless, helpless grief in the loss of the relationship I had with my niece. And while my charge naps peacefully after a car ride, I might let myself have a tiny cry just to relieve the pressure a little bit. This nanny gig isn’t to replace one baby that isn’t mine with another, but it does make me miss my niece a little bit more.

 

And it’s just really hard.