If you ever want to wake up with the most profound sense of disappointment, have a sex dream where you fake an orgasm. In my dream I’m stranded in an airport. Missed my flight and I’m upset but I get directed to sleeping quarters. There’s a big bed, a couple smaller couches, and a former roommate of mine is there. There are some other people but their faces are blurry.

Then I notice a blurry faced hot guy. Nice arms, nice abs. In the next scene I’m in his lap, and I’m wearing a very short tunic dress and my legs are tanner than they are in real life and my thighs are smaller, but I know those are my legs. Dreams are weird. Anyway, then, he starts doing things and I know I should be feeling something, but nothing happens. I move around just thinking he’s getting it wrong but no. Nothing. So I fake it. Even my real self who knows I’m dreaming is disappointed by this. I wake up to my alarm and think, is this the day you’re giving me, universe? This is what sets the tone? A fake orgasm? Thaaaaaaanks


Waxing Poetic About The Ultimate Dysfunctional Sibling Relationship

Random memories flood in, unbidden. Small, insignificant events, piece themselves together to total an experience that creates a personification of my life. A trigger, so small as if to be infinitesimal, brings pictures to the surface of my memory and I watch as if in a waking dream. What are we, though, without memories? Happenings? If we had no stories to tell what would distinguish us from animals? If we did not learn from these stories, would we ever have evolved to be the only animal in the world that kills each other seemingly for fun? What do animals care for power? For greed? For anger, despair, love? Their lives are so much simpler. Instinct and survival govern their actions. If reincarnation is real, I would want to come back an animal. A cat I think. As independent and ill tempered as I can be; a cat would be perfect. Choosing when to be touched and when not to. Un-trainable, as I do not beg for rewards. Cats give 0 fucks. I want to not have 0 fucks. Like this situation with my sister who has conveniently forgotten things like:

We grew up together and when we had only each other. Does she not remember that? She’s the one who fucked my high school love to prove she could steal him. He ended up staying with me anyway, but I STILL forgave her, and dumped him a year later. Anything I ever did to make her angry I did for her because I felt it was best before she got herself hurt or killed.
I mean…I legit basically kidnapped her from Dyersburg when she was 18 because she was running with trash and meth heads and got into a horrific car crash and ended up miscarrying a baby she didn’t know she was pregnant with

A week before that, I had to go get her out of this house in the worst part of that town because she was so fucked up she couldn’t even CRAWL to the door or pick her head up off the floor.

She says she never wanted to come to Nashville, I just made her, and I was like would you rather be dead?

I made the mistake of choosing to allow a shitty, cheating, loser of a guy stay with me at her and her former fiancé’s house, and when he and I start having screaming fights, he convinces her he will pay a higher rent amount so she kicked ME out. And a year later when he wasn’t paying them rent at all and her fiancé was cheating on her and she kicked him out, who did she call to drop everything and move back in and get my ex out when he was refusing to leave and threatening her if she made him? Me. Who came running and completely disregarded the fact that she screwed me over more than once? ME. Who handled the courthouse shit to get him evicted? Who paid for it? ME. And the only defense she has to be so angry at me all the time and screw me over? She says I talk shit about her. Saying she’s not a good mother. She was on the phone with some fool from POF while her 4 yr old knocked a lamp over in her bedroom and it was BURNING A HOLE IN THE CARPET AND FILLING THE HOUSE WITH SMOKE..and what does my sister say for why she didn’t check? “Oh I thought it was the oven.” THE OVEN WASN’T EVEN ON, NOR WAS THERE ANY SMOKE COMING FROM IT. It’s not talking shit if you’re telling the truth. She has the maternal instinct of a snake that eats their young. Alligators have a better maternal instinct. Yeah she buys my niece all the useless toys in the world, but being a good parent is more than that. She picks up and moves at the drop of a hat. My niece has changed schools 3 times in her kindergarten year. The only thing making my sister re-enroll her in a timely fashion when she moves is my niece’s dad who has a custody agreement and threatens my sister with taking her away if she doesn’t keep her in school. She also says I abandoned her when she was pregnant to go be a flight attendant. I didn’t abandon anything. I made sure she had a place to go, to our mom’s, while she waited to see if the baby’s father was going to step up and make an honest woman of her. I wasn’t going to put my life on hold to take care of her. She was an adult by that time. And the day after we got to mom’s, he asked her to move in with him and they saved up to buy a house. I think it ended well. Until he cheated on her. With the way she treated him for 4 years, I am not surprised. Any guy who is insulted for simply disagreeing with her on some trivial matter on an hourly basis would cheat too. I mean, if you heard you were stupid and were told to go hang yourself for saying “no I think that cup is pink not red”, you’d be cheating too.

I digress. Most recently, she randomly packed up and moved out of our expensive 3 bedroom apartment with 2 months left of the lease, because I wouldn’t allow her new loser boyfriend to live there. I was left to pay out the lease when one month’s rent is half what I make in a month. And I have student loans, car payment, and other bills to pay. And then I’m supposed to handle the repair bill the apartment place sent after, which was complete bullshit. Still haven’t paid it. I’ll let my rental history be screwed for a minute. They can wait.

Which brings us to the present, 5 months later, and I’m reaching out to her to let her know that DESPITE ALLL OF THAT, we are still sisters and I want to move forward. She didn’t bother to respond. She’s pregnant; about to have a baby boy that apparently no one on our side of the family will ever meet. She’s isolated herself with this guy, and only has anything to do with him and his parents who they live with. She’s not working, doesn’t have a working cell phone, and bill collectors are calling ME looking for her.

All this dysfunction and complicated nonsense and keeping score is a human thing. Being human is hard. So if I come back as anything, I definitely want it to be as a cat. Or a honey badger. Because honey badgers don’t give a FUCK. I give too many that one of my two sisters doesn’t want me in her life, when all I’ve ever done is watch out for her. She’s always needed me to handle things for her like my other sister never did. She’s always had a certain fragility where we were tough and hard. And now it’s like something is missing despite all the heartache she’s put me through. I miss my sister. Cats don’t miss their littermates.