My name is Ashley, and I’m the soon to be wife of an Ingress addict. Ingress is a GPS-based phone game. Like a cross between capture-the-flag and geocaching. The things I know he gets out of it:
- Many other players show him respect and admiration for the strategies and time and effort he puts in to help his side (blue-resistance) win more points at checkpoints throughout the day. So there’s his ego boost.
- He’s made friends in the gchats they use to plan out things.
- Gets him out of the house and active on his bike and walking
What I get out of it:
- A partner who “forgets” to do the things I specifically ask him to do because he’s so busy strategizing with alllllllllll the people in the gchat group hangout, all day, and he’s on call when a field 15 mins away just HAS to come down because it’s almost checkpoint.
- A dog who doesn’t get near the exercise she needs because he won’t take her on his bike rides because she will interrupt the mission he’s doing because she will want to stop, and to “make checkpoint” he doesn’t have time for that. I work too late into the day to take her on runs right now. It’s dark and our neighborhood isn’t the best.
- Sitting in my car for 2 hours while he drives around aimlessly, sometimes backtracking to “re-hack” portals or take them back from the other team (Green-enlightened) Which to me, is a colossal waste of gas and time and mileage on MY car.
- A partner who, when we are out socializing or on a date night, stares at his phone the whole time chatting with these people, and if I say something, either me and the rest of the group are talking about girl stuff or something he’s not interested in, or “You’re texting your friends all the time, too”, or I “just don’t want him to have any friends”. I’m texting friends because he’s ignoring me, and I don’t see these people as his friends, I see them as time suckers. People who have helped and encouraged my man to be an irresponsible addict who never helps out around the house, forgets we need to grocery shop and half the time doesn’t come home til 8PM so I don’t get to spend any time with him.
I am fully ready to admit that yes, I am stupidly, immaturely thinking that this game is taking him away from me. I feel like we never do things together anymore unless there’s a “portal” nearby. And if we do, he’s not really PRESENT. When I say that to him, he shoots back with “well you text your friends all the time” or “you marathon buffy the vampire slayer on a Saturday for 4 hours straight” Like that is even REMOTELY relevant. And my FRIENDS have been in my life for over a decade.
I don’t know. Maybe I am just a controlling bitch. Maybe I just don’t understand how much he enjoys it. My thoughts are, I’ve got shit to do. Laundry, grocery shopping, dishes, vacuuming…and I spend so much time being pissed off that he doesn’t help, that often I let it slide and just veg out with netflix, which makes me feel worse. It’s like a vicious cycle I’m doing to myself.
At the end of the argument, when I’ve given up trying to make him see how he’s just too obsessive, he throws down the ultimatum:
“Just don’t let it get to where I have to sneak around on you to play ingress”
I froze. After a couple heartbeats, I responded.
“Don’t you ever lie to me. You tell me ‘this is what I’m doing, and you’re being ridiculous’. But don’t you ever lie to me. I won’t forgive that”
All he said was “okay”
All I got from that entire argument last night was that he’s going to do what he wants, and I need to get over it and just act like it’s allllll okay. And if I don’t, he will leave me because I’ve become a nagging controlling bitch who doesn’t want him to have any friends.
All I want is moderation. Maybe an entire day of us, as a couple. I just want some help around the house. I don’t want to have to ask him to put money on the laundry card at the apartment office because they close at 4 and I’m not home yet, for him to just “forget” because he spent the entire day with the ingress intel map and gchats up on his laptop strategizing how to “put a big field up for the most points”.
I love him too much to fathom leaving him. I just hope this obsession blows over. I NEED this to blow over.