I’m starting a support group for my exes. It will have cookies, coffee, and a 12-Step Let it GOOOOOOOO pamphlet.

 S once a month: I should have realized a long time ago how amazing you were, I should have left my wife for you, we’d be happy. Me: uh no. Here’s why: Affairs almost never lead to happy, fulfilling relationships.

 J once or twice a year on fb: “come visit me in Florida, I’ll make you scream in pleasure” or some other offensive sexual reference- Blocked after insane girlfriend hacked his fb and messaged ME cussing me out like I came on to him.

 G: we are the oldest of friends but because you dumped me back in 2007 for cheating on you with your sister and I’ve never let go of the memories, I can’t be happy for you because you’re happy.

C: “if your bf doesn’t propose soon come marry me and I’ll take care of you and I’ll pay for you to come visit.” Then after the proposal it was “lets be friends and I’ll come visit you and we can hang out. A wouldn’t have a problem with that, would he? Invite me to the wedding!” I’m pretty sure his idea of hanging out would include chloroform, a van with no windows, ropes, and duct tape.  When I blocked him from phone, he emailed me. So, I ignored and filtered his messages, THEN he contacted me on LinkedIn. There’s been multiple blockages of phone numbers since, until right after the wedding when he asked about the wedding details and I told him it was in Nashville, and yes it was wonderful. kthanksbye.

 T: m getting married in x months, and it’s crazy how I’ll only be sleeping with one person the rest of my life! Unless you decided to stop being a good girl. You’re my Kryptonite. I’d ONLY have an affair with you” My eyes almost rolled out of my head. But he WAS pretty amazing in the bedroom gymnastics..hmm….

disney-frozen-elsa-the-past-is-in-the-past-o

A part of me does enjoy the attention. I won’t lie. I am human, with an ego, and an entire book of Daddy Issues. I actually seriously considered that last one for some stupid messed up reason, but decided the pain it would cause would not be worth it. A really good friend suggested that I write out steamy scenarios to get them out of my head and then I might not fuck up my entire life plan. He’s kinda smart sometimes.

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